New Attitude

To quote the effervescent Patti LaBelle, "I've got a new attitude!" (My apologies to those readers who don't recall the 80s!) I don't know if it's the beginning of summer, a long holiday weekend, new coaches or just time, but I am approaching this week with a whole new, seemingly positive attitude.

I found myself with a new spring in my step today, my shoulders back and my head held high. I couldn't figure out at first where this positive outlook was coming from, but I was hesitant to question it too much as it was making me highly spirited, motivated and helped me check things off my to do list like Oprah handing out her giveaways!

On my way to lunch, which consisted of cranking out 2300 meters in the pool and doing some of the coach-prescribed breathing drills which caused me to feel like I may have left a lung behind in the deep end, I contemplated what was up with the new attitude.

Throughout my life I've been blessed with a pretty big crowd of supporters, cheerleaders. All believing in me and expressing to me often that they had faith that I could do whatever I put my mind to. All of these people are in my life for different reasons, some are blood relatives, some are friends from childhood or college and we're stuck with each other because we know where the bodies are buried, and others are friends, neighbors and colleagues I've been lucky enough to acquire over the years. The newest addition to the group are my tri buddies and most importantly my coaches.

However, standing among the crowd there has always been the one or two doubters, always the loudest voice in the crowd to me - a singular voice that inexplicable I always heard and believed. Gymnastic coaches who despite my abilities told me they wouldn't teach me advanced tumbling unless I cut weight, softball coaches who knew I was a consistent homerun hitter but cut me anyway because I couldn't round the bases fast enough, so-called mean girls who will say what they'll say and even the highschool drama teacher who told my mother she'd never give me a lead regardless of my talent because I was just "too fat."

I heard those doubting, judgmental voices and internalized them the most and came to believe them and only see myself as they did. All, despite conquering many personal, physical and even professional hurdles.

My cheerleaders have been telling me for years I have to drop the self-loathing and negative Nancy attitude I adopted to veil the hurt and fear. While, I suppose my oft negative, self-deprecating commentary is partially because I find great humor in self deprecation (mine or anyone else's for that matter), part narcissism and part because there are days where I really don't like myself and every flaw, every imperfection, every failing -- physical, mental and emotional -- all seem glaringly exposed. It's like there is a neon sign stamped across my head for the world to see and it's easier to join the rest of the world in its acknowledgment rather than being in denial. And in my opinion acknowledging your perceived failings is often easier if you're the first, loudest and funniest!

As I took to Facebook recently during one such moment with a status post that was filled with both self-doubt and dripping with poor Pollyanna sentiment, the first to respond was a dear friend and my new tri coach, Coach Murray. He said simply: "Let all your self-talk be positive!"

For months, years actually I've been raking up race numbers, taking on challenging races and events I'd never thought I'd complete 2 years ago. Making a conscious choice not just to challenge myself, but to better myself physically but if I was willing to make the physical and personal sacrifice why wouldn't I also want to be improving my mental training?

This may be the hardest challenge of all for me, but yesterday standing in my kitchen, listening to a great friend tell me she believed in me and demand that I start doing the same for myself as she stood in front of the my fridge peppered with the race numbers (lest I forgot my goals and go for the bag of peanut butter M&Ms buried in the back) I had a moment where I started listening and let this positive voice be the loudest in the crowd.

And it dawned on me, and my mother will read this and say she's been telling me this for years, but I finally said it out loud and it's still hard to write it here: I not only believed the doubters -- I became one of them. If someone said I couldn't do something, I didn't. If someone said I wasn't good enough for something I stopped trying. I even stopped writing at one point because an editor told me I needed better editing, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure that was his job!

Before I completed my first triathlon in 2007, I just quit when things got tough and I believed it when people or even myself told me I wasn't good enough, without even trying! It's taken me 3 years to get to this point, some pretty tough challenges, and even more inspiring and loud cheerleaders in my life -- but I've dug deep and found that spirited little girl again, who despite her chubby thighs and potbelly taught herself to do a roundoff back handspring off the high beam when the coaches said no.

Whether you're thinking about getting off the couch for your first 5k or attempting your first triathlon or just going to a yoga class, whatever the challenge, the monkey on you back, take it from me and my new attitude, do it. Because at the end of the day, it's only you that can let that monkey weigh you down. Or, you can let that monkey be your biggest cheerleader, touting a positive banner bearing a reminder of how far you've come and how far you'll go!